I have never been so glad for a day to have come and gone. Today was a big day for me. I have been waiting for 12 days to find out the results of a biopsy. On January 4, I had outpatient surgery to have over 3 inches of my flesh removed and sent off to be biopsied. The past 18 days, including the 6 days prior to surgery, have been filled with fear, anxiety and flat out panic attacks. Not anything I would wish on anyone.
As a mother, my mind began going to the worst possible places. I know it might not be the "Christian" thing to do, worry, but it is human nature and I am human. I know that God doesn't want any of His creation to suffer, but I also know that pain and suffering are a part of life. I know that no matter what challenges or heartaches come my way, my God is big enough to handle them and carry me through them. I also know that cancer has no boundaries. All four of my grandparents battled cancer. Only one is living. Cancer is real. I see people every day fighting the battle. Some are family, friends, church members and friends of friends. Even though my faith is strong, I have dealt with fear, anxiety and uncertainty the past month, since my inital doctors appointment. I began to wonder how my children would manage without me. So many things crossed my mind. And what about Tim? They all need me. Children need a mother's love and touch. A husband needs his soulmate, helpmate and encourager, especially a minister. I bought journals to begin for my children. I began thinking of what needed to be done in the event of a bad result. Now, some of you may be thinking I sound OCD about my results, and well you might be right. But these are things that should be done anyway. I am not promised tomorrow. None of us are. I want my children to have something to read one day--quotes, funny stories, my love for them and hopefully wise instruction. If my true heart be known, I asked that I live to see my children accept Him as Lord and Savior and allow me time just to raise them. Yesterday, I couldn't have been happier. John Alan trusted God with his life and made a commitment to follow him. Suddenly, my biopsy results seemed less important.
I am not afraid of death itself. Sure, if I am being honest, there are lots of things I don't know and don't understand about eternity, but I don't have to. God has that covered. I have nothing to fear. I am His daughter. I began to submerge myself in the Psalms and God's spirit gently reminded me of His presence and His power. This experience has made me look at life differently, people differently and faith differently. I have been in a place, if but only for a moment, that I can relate to how others are feeling when faced with cancer. I have countless friends battling cancer. I now know some of their thoughts and fears on a real level. But I also know how in the midst of that uncertainty, God meets you on a whole different level in our walk with Him. I am grateful for His love. Perfect love. Perfect peace. Perfect grace. Thankful has never meant quite as much to me as it does now. God has taught me a lot in a month. I am thankful for my Father, for the hope I have in Him. For the blessings He has so generously bestowed upon me. I am thankful for good news today. And in the midst of my happiness, I am still praying without ceasing for my friends and loved ones who are battling cancer on a daily basis. May they feel His presence and perfect peace with each new dawn.
As a mother, my mind began going to the worst possible places. I know it might not be the "Christian" thing to do, worry, but it is human nature and I am human. I know that God doesn't want any of His creation to suffer, but I also know that pain and suffering are a part of life. I know that no matter what challenges or heartaches come my way, my God is big enough to handle them and carry me through them. I also know that cancer has no boundaries. All four of my grandparents battled cancer. Only one is living. Cancer is real. I see people every day fighting the battle. Some are family, friends, church members and friends of friends. Even though my faith is strong, I have dealt with fear, anxiety and uncertainty the past month, since my inital doctors appointment. I began to wonder how my children would manage without me. So many things crossed my mind. And what about Tim? They all need me. Children need a mother's love and touch. A husband needs his soulmate, helpmate and encourager, especially a minister. I bought journals to begin for my children. I began thinking of what needed to be done in the event of a bad result. Now, some of you may be thinking I sound OCD about my results, and well you might be right. But these are things that should be done anyway. I am not promised tomorrow. None of us are. I want my children to have something to read one day--quotes, funny stories, my love for them and hopefully wise instruction. If my true heart be known, I asked that I live to see my children accept Him as Lord and Savior and allow me time just to raise them. Yesterday, I couldn't have been happier. John Alan trusted God with his life and made a commitment to follow him. Suddenly, my biopsy results seemed less important.
I am not afraid of death itself. Sure, if I am being honest, there are lots of things I don't know and don't understand about eternity, but I don't have to. God has that covered. I have nothing to fear. I am His daughter. I began to submerge myself in the Psalms and God's spirit gently reminded me of His presence and His power. This experience has made me look at life differently, people differently and faith differently. I have been in a place, if but only for a moment, that I can relate to how others are feeling when faced with cancer. I have countless friends battling cancer. I now know some of their thoughts and fears on a real level. But I also know how in the midst of that uncertainty, God meets you on a whole different level in our walk with Him. I am grateful for His love. Perfect love. Perfect peace. Perfect grace. Thankful has never meant quite as much to me as it does now. God has taught me a lot in a month. I am thankful for my Father, for the hope I have in Him. For the blessings He has so generously bestowed upon me. I am thankful for good news today. And in the midst of my happiness, I am still praying without ceasing for my friends and loved ones who are battling cancer on a daily basis. May they feel His presence and perfect peace with each new dawn.
